This Old Spouse

  • Is It Legal to Yell ‘Ants!’ in a Crowded Car?
    Columns This Old Spouse   //   November 25, 2012   // 1 Comment

    So I was chauffeuring my younger daughter home from her latest must-attend gathering of friends and frenemies du jour, daydreaming of the day when my offspring have cars and licenses and gas money of their own, when we stopped for said gas. It was evening, and as I pulled in under the station’s fluorescent-lit awning, daughter Jamie began screaming at the top of her lungs and leapt out of the car as if it were on fire.

    “What? What?” I hollered.

    “Ants!”

  • Discovery of ‘Dad Particle’ is huge scientific breakthrough
    This Old Spouse   //   July 16, 2012   // 0 Comments

    Ponca City, Oklahoma (AP)—In a culmination of 50 years of theoretical speculation and weeks of intense media frenzy, two teams of researchers at the Fatherhood Institute for Research Nerds (FIRN) recently announced they had independently discovered evidence for the long-sought elementary particle that dictates behavior by dads and thus significantly impacts the family universe—the elemental unit popularly known as the “Dad Particle.”

  • An Insider’s Peek at Hollywood, Part II
    This Old Spouse   //   March 27, 2012   // 0 Comments

    I suppose I had my one real insider’s look at how Hollywood works some years ago, when I attended a screenwriters’ session on how to “pitch ideas” to producers during an Austin Film Festival annual gathering of would-be writers.

  • Welcome to the ER, 21st Century Style
    This Old Spouse   //   March 19, 2012   // 0 Comments

    by Roger White I get nervous simply approaching the building. The bright lights, the important sounds of rushing people and vehicles—the very feel of emergencies in progress—unsettle my stomach and quicken my pulse. The evening air is cool, excited by gusts and breezes swirling from the north. A front is moving in, but circumstances give me the impression that even the night is stirred by th...

  • Life, death, and Hyphen policies
    This Old Spouse   //   February 14, 2012   // 1 Comment

    by Roger White Pardon me while I slowly lose my mind. You’ve heard of the axiom regarding higher learning: It’s the pursuit of learning more and more about less and less until you know absolutely everything about nothing. It’s an ivory tower conundrum. Academic types, in the never-ending quest to gain all the knowledge they can on a particular subject—say, the reproduction rituals of the sub...

  • This Old Spouse: Spread a Little Love
    Featured Post This Old Spouse   //   February 14, 2012   // 0 Comments

    Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s season, let’s talk about love. Love’s a funny thing, isn’t it? No matter how much of it you give away, love remains full and strong, always. If you chop love in half, each half will grow again to full measure, into whole complete love—because true love survives.

  • Follow Your Dreams? Well, OK, But Have a Backup Plan
    This Old Spouse   //   January 27, 2012   // 0 Comments

    by Roger White   Author’s note: For you dedicated, sort of dedicated, and even not-so-dedicated followers of TOS, I feel I must warn you in advance. This particular installment lacks any juvenile silliness, nonsensical babble, slice-of-life inanity, random wordplay, serpentine stream of consciousness, thinly veiled parody, and/or incomprehensible doublespeak. I’m actually taking a stab ...

  • Follow Your Dreams? What if You Dream of Thelma and Louise?
    This Old Spouse   //   January 21, 2012   // 0 Comments

    As I watch my daughters grow into young womanhood—Lindsey now a thoughtful, creative high school sophomore so marvelously free-spirited yet touchingly conscientious in every facet; and Jamie, our firebrand eighth-grader so fiercely strong-willed and stubborn, but so tender-hearted and self-conscious at the same time—I struggle to keep them optimistic and open to the great vista of opportunities an...

  • The Jury’s Still Out on This Column. Way, Way Out.
    This Old Spouse   //   November 14, 2011   // 0 Comments

    by Roger White You’ll pardon me if I flex my whack-a-lawyer muscles again, but it’s not my fault this time. It’s true that I swore to my friends of the barrister bent that I would lay off for a while since my last acerbic attorney attack, in which I believe I opined something to the effect of the following: “Q: So you’re stuck on a desert island with Hitler, a 100-pound rabid wolf, and a lawyer ...

  • Don’t Take Your Kitchen for Granite
    This Old Spouse   //   November 14, 2011   // 0 Comments

    by Roger White We’ve been camping out in our own house for weeks now, and I think I’m actually getting the hang of it. You see, my dear wife decided recently it was time to upgrade our kitchen and downstairs guest bathroom, and, like the naïve simpleton I am, I glibly went along with it all. I presumed this entailed dabbing on a fresh coat or two of paint, getting a new commode cover, and buying...

  • Amityville Ain’t Got Nothing on Me
    This Old Spouse   //   November 13, 2011   // 0 Comments

    by Roger White Those of you who follow along with the home version of This Old Spouse are surely aware of my fondness for all things Rod Serling, Alfred Hitchcock, and even a trifle Stephen King. However, just because these guys are my personal heroes does not mean for one minute that what I’m about to lay on you is fictional, counterfeit, or even a tad exaggerated. What I’m about to tell you is...

  • Hey, Fitz, Take This Footlong Hoagie and …
    This Old Spouse   //   October 20, 2011   // 0 Comments

      by Roger White   Ladies (and you sleekly camouflaged metrosexuals), you must pardon me if I wax sportsetic once again, but my hackles have been raised. Mind you, I had a pretty cool topic this time around, too. About that Harold Camping guy—ya know, the old geezer who keeps moving his predictions for the end of the world back a few months because his Bible math was somehow flawed?...

  • Baby, You Can Drive My Car. (But Don’t Park It.)
    This Old Spouse   //   October 7, 2011   // 0 Comments

    By Roger White Seldom can one observe such a wonderful outpouring of compassion and kindness from friends and neighbors as one witnesses during times of great trial and tribulation. It is during these moments of difficulty that those closest to you show their genuine colors with expressions of support, words of encouragement, sage pieces of advice, and—if they’re true friends—pecan pie and alco...

  • Whatever Happened to Yesterday’s Tomorrow?
    This Old Spouse   //   September 12, 2011   // 0 Comments

    It sideswiped me as I was watching the movie “Blade Runner” the other day: We, as human types, tend to either fantastically overestimate ourselves or woefully underestimate ourselves. We don’t have what you would call a crystalline view of just who we are. Or maybe we do, and we simply don’t like what we see. So we embellish a bit. Let me splain, Lucy. If you recall the premise of Ridley Scott’...